Today I stood in a valley between Italian mountains and saw where the hand of God touched human hands.

But first; This week‘s Torah portion is Shemini, in which Aaron’s sons Nadav and Avihu are killed by God for bringing unauthorized sacrifices.

Rabbi Sacks argues that if Nadav and Avihu had used their own initiative to fight evil and injustice, they would have been heroes. Because they used their own initiative in the arena of the holy, they erred.

This is difficult for those of us who practice Judaism outside the constraints of halacha.

I love being Jewish and living a Jewish life. And there are times when I am willing to step out of my Jewish bubble.

The Judaism I live is quite different than that of the Torah, the Talmud, or the modern version known as Orthodoxy.

Last night on Shabbat I was hosted for dinner by an Italian family who sometimes welcomes American tourists into their home. I was the only Jew. No one knew or cared that Friday evening is important to me as the beginning of the Sabbath. There were no candles, no challah, no prayers. The wine was there simply as an Italian custom.

Rabbi Jonathan Sacks wrote, “The holy is that segment of time and space God has reserved for His Presence… Not accidentally but essentially, this can only take place through the total renunciation of human will and initiative. That is not because God does not value human will and initiative. To the contrary: God has empowered humankind to use them to become His ‘partners in the work of creation’.”

According to Rabbi Sacks, the way we totally renounce human will and initiative is by obeying God’s laws.

This understanding of what God wants from us is very difficult for me.

I paused for many minutes after writing that last sentence. I do not know how to express how deeply I feel Jewish — and how disconnected I feel from a God who wants me to do certain things at certain times to express my obedience to God’s will.

I do not know what Nadav and Avinu were thinking. I do know that I wish they had not been punished for stepping outside the bounds.

I live outside those bounds. Last night we shared a meal and stories of our lives, in broken English and very limited Italian. It was beautiful and moving and holy.

This morning, when I would otherwise be at Shabbat services, we drove through the Italian mountains and stopped at a site where 5,000 years ago shaman priests etched petroglyphs onto stones. Deer, ibix, oxen plowing, people. There are thousands of petroglyphs, marking the center of their religious universe.

At the fall solstice, the sun streams directly between the peaks of the mountain onto the etched rocks. This is where they felt the Presence. This is where they showed their devotion.

Is it the same God as mine? I cannot think otherwise.

Holiness resides in the open spaces and the cracks in between; it is elusive and yet always near, always waiting for us to notice.

“The holy is that segment of time and space God has reserved for His Presence.”