THINGS I DIDN’T LEARN IN HEBREW SCHOOL 

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana. 
2. Where there’s smoke, there may be salmon. 
3. No meal is complete without leftovers. 
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants. 

5. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times. 
6. Never take a front row seat at a Bris. 
7.Never leave a restaurant empty handed. 

8. Always whisper the names of diseases. 
9. If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher. 

10. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

 
11. Even a secret agent can’t lie to a Jewish mother.
12. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until after it graduates from medical school or law school.

With thanks to my friend Estelle for forwarding these just in time for April first.